The Complexity of Motives: An Exploration into the Stories in Our Heads

It’s nearly impossible to judge a person’s motives. Unraveling the motives of others is like navigating a labyrinth or a cryptic puzzle. Is it even possible?

The Complexity of Human Stories

We are all complex beings, constantly spinning personal narratives in our minds. These stories serve as the scripts that justify our behaviors as well as the behaviors of others, regardless of whether they are based on logic, emotions, and/or whimsical anomalies of thought or behavior.

In the grand screenplay of life, we naturally cast ourselves as lead characters in our personal narratives. Our self-perception can often oscillate between extremes based on where we believe we are in our own story and/or how we’d like the story to pan out. There are times when we judge ourselves too harshly (and unfairly), viewing our character through a villainous lens. Other times, we may be overly forgiving, justifying our actions because we see ourselves as either the hero or victim of the story.

Now, let's add another layer to this understanding by considering the dynamics of intersecting with the narrative of others. When we engage each other, we are simultaneously the lead role in our own story while a supporting character in the stories other people tell themselves. This often blurs the boundary between reality and subjectivity, especially since narratives are often modified to suit the storyteller's convenience.

Stories at the Intersection of Relationships

This realization has shaped my approach to human interaction, especially when I consider the motives and epistemology (i.e., how one justifies beliefs) of others. I realize that people construct beliefs and justify their actions differently and their internal stories have a lot to do with it. More often than not, trying to impose my own story into the narrative framework of others can backfire unless there’s some kind of inherent status, authority, or power play dynamics (in any case, this is never ideal). This is one of the reasons why it’s so difficult to change another person’s view.

As I gain more life experience and learn more about the human mind, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I cannot control the thinking of others. While I can (hopefully) add some value and insights that they may find useful in shaping their understanding of the world and their own story, it’s ultimately not my narrative to shape. This is true of everyone in the world including my children, wife, friends, and colleagues. As a leader, I’m tempted at times to force a narrative upon others. Nevertheless, the reality is that at best, I will only be a supporting character in the stories inside the minds of others.

Slow to Speak. Quick to Listen.

This perspective may explain in part why people get so frustrated online (and in person) with others who don’t agree with their views or worldviews. “Why can’t they just see?” “Why can’t they understand!” - Well, it’s much more complicated than a sound argument (or lack thereof). There are deeply personal and passionate stories in play.

Recognizing that I may never fully grasp or control someone else's narrative, I choose to give them the benefit of the doubt - a courtesy I too would appreciate from others as well.

Human relationships are complicated, but they’re still good. Before I rush into explaining (or judging) what you believe in and why, I’d like to get to know you and your story if you’d like to share. I hope you will do the same with me. 

I sincerely believe that by honoring each other's narratives, we can not only deepen our mutual understanding but also contribute to creating a better world for all.

Thanks for listening/reading.