I Just Can’t Do It
I’m currently find myself a little overwhelmed and toasted (metaphorically) with my life and ministry. In a recent conversation with my wife, I have come to realize that at the heart of my current state is my inability to project the image/impression that I am not able to carry out what people expect or desire. In addition, my personality and work ethic continually creates new ventures and added responsibilities both for myself and those I lead. My strengths continue to be some of my greatest weaknesses.
My pride, fear of disappointing people, and fear of not achieving have prevented me from practicing what I know will keep me healthy and focused on my priorities. The grind and weight of life and ministry is too much to bear right now. I find myself in continually paradox. On one hand, I find myself in what I perceive to be the middle of God’s will and yet, I am so tired, lonely, and discouraged. The only real glimpses of hope and joy come in brief moments (sometimes way too brief) with my wife whom I so dearly love and my two kids. It’s not even that I don’t spend enough time at home. I think it’s the weight of everything else that permeate my mind even as I enjoy my time with family.
Last night, I heard Phil Vischer speak. Phil was the creator of VeggieTales (yes, the talking vegetables). He invested 14 years of his life towards the building of the largest animation hit show in the United States. Phil shared how he sensed God working so mightily in the midst of his success. And then, without warning, everything changed; sales decreased, projects never reached expectations, and to top it all off, he had to file for bankruptcy because of a lawsuit. Phil communicated his depression, confusion, and most importantly, his subtle movement away from God. He came to understand that his greatest identity was with Christ, not his success.
What really got me was that Phil really felt he was faithfully doing God’s work. This made me wonder…what if?
I don’t sense any resolve yet. [For those connected with the ministries that I am a part of, I’m not saying that I am leaving…:)] I just need some space to replenish and refocus. It is evident that I can’t do it all. In fact, I can’t even do most.
The sin of carrying the weight of life and ministry in a way God never intended is so much more difficult to discern than most other blatant sins in my life. The issue here is my heart, not my works. Works are so much easier to assess.
I’ll just abruptly end it here…need to go pray again.