Leadership is one of the greatest privileges given to any human being. I’m sure that many of us in leadership would agree that leadership is one of the most fulfilling experiences in life. The unique vantage point and influence that leadership offers, in any given organization, group or business, has the power to exhilarate, inspire, and motive people towards great works.
Nevertheless, leadership comes at a cost. Leaders don’t just become “great” leaders. Read any story about a person you deem a great leader. It probably took that leader intentional effort, sacrificial living, right timing, resources, sensitivity, and perseverance (to name a few) to become a great leader. In addition, if you add people’s unrealistic expectations, our physical limitations, and the bombardment of critics, etc., leadership can be quite overwhelming.
The reality is that most of us in leadership simultaneously live in both of these worlds; a world of great potential and life as well as a world of utter despair and discouragement.
In this new blog series called “Leadership Confessions”, I want to explore how leaders respond to the cost of leadership (i.e., living in the latter world). I personally think that, regardless of intent, leadership always has the potential to create an unhealthy and destructive ethos for life. I would like to (attempt to) honestly engage some leadership struggles I regularly find myself in. This series will be part confession (from either my past or present experiences) and part invitation to work towards health (and not perfection).
Confession #1 – It’s Lonely.
I have been in a leadership role in churches, organizations, and networks for more than half my life. I think in my 20 years+ of being a leader, one of my greatest struggles has been with working through loneliness. The irony of this struggle is that I am continually surrounded by a crowd of people. In addition, I am also blessed to have some phenomenal friends with whom I have mutually committed to journeying through life together.
What I am realizing now (in my case) is that loneliness in leadership is not necessarily an issue of having or not having people that one could authentically share life with. For example, I have been lonely in leadership even during seasons when I have had friends who could relate to who I am and what I do. I think loneliness, in this sense I am referring to, is the natural by-product of a leader, uniquely designed by God, coming to the realization that their experiences in life and leadership are like no other.
Could it be that we are possibly confusing our need for community (a need created by the divine community himself, God) and our realization of the unique life experience God created us to live as leaders? In other words, maybe loneliness is not a bad thing. Maybe loneliness invites us to recall and celebrate our unique place in this world.
I’m not sure if leadership and loneliness will ever be separable. In fact, I’m not sure if I want them to be separated. Some would say that there is a difference between being lonely and being alone. I suppose we could dissect the nuances here, but I just want to let loneliness (as we’re discussing here) be a natural outflow of our God-given uniqueness. I think coming to grips with this will cause us to turn to God and not another human being because the solution is not another human being.
If I am true to what I am experiencing, it could point me to God. Could it potentially lead me to a state of confusion or despair? Of course. Then again, most things in life could. Nevertheless, I am inviting leaders to turn to God and embrace our God-given uniqueness and the need to be embraced by the only true one who can embrace our journey as leader.
My suggestions…when you feel lonely in this sense:
- Try not to ignore it. Embrace it through some form of acknowledgement (verbal, written, action, etc.)
- Try not to make compulsive decisions about leadership. It’s rarely a good path.
- Pray to God for perspective. It’s never easy to live out a unique view or mission.
- You don’t necessarily have to seek divine comprehension or knowledge. I would suggest you seek God’s presence first. Let comprehension, knowledge, or perspective be the fruit of your time with him.
- Try not to think community first. As great as your friends and confidants are, your first stop should be God.
- Choose to celebrate uniqueness (even with all of the heartache). Thank God for your unique journey as a leader.
I’m not claiming here that there is a magical formula to deal with this kind of loneliness. I’m simply offering my story and context to interact with what you might be going through as a leader. Be encouraged. You’re probably doing better than you think.
A fellow leader,
Charles
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
I don’t have nearly the amount of leadership experience you do, but I have been a leader for almost 4 years and recently came on staff at a church.
I already have experienced the complexity a leader’s life can be, and like you mentioned earlier how lonely that road can be. I’m encouraged to read this blog because my thoughts on leadership loneliness wouldn’t have traveled that far. I would assumed this loneliness in me would be hard enough to communicate, and figure “its just part of my job.” Putting the focus back on God and celebrating the unique life a leader has is a shift of thinking for me.
Good stuff.. thanks for the encouragement Charles. Looking forward to the rest of the series.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Great thoughts – thanks for sharing what you, me and so many face as leaders. These are realities, but not often voiced like you have here. Thanks for the suggestions, too.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Thank you for the enlightening perspective on loneliness, brother. I look forward to “commiserating” with you through further posts in this series. As a side thought, I wonder if a part of our loneliness is exacerbated by the fact that people have become socially awkward/inept and have become unable to communicate with one another except through the Internet. Just a thought. Nothing substantial.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Thanks for all of your notes!
Chris, I’m so glad you are interacting with such thoughts so early in ministry. I think you’re right in saying that the focus much be put back on God as we celebrate our uniqueness. Look forward to future interaction.
Greg, I appreciate what you posted on your blog today as well.
Lee, I think I understand where you might be coming from. I do think the internet definitely is fully capable of exacerbating loneliness in the midst of vast social activity. Nevertheless, the loneliness I’m talking about is not that kind of loneliness. (I think you’re point would be a great additional conversation. You can do a search about a blog post I did about social networking like facebook and twitter and its impact on personal relationships.) Glad you’re here interacting. Look forward to more.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Very insightful! As an emerging leader I have increasingly felt what you are talking about, and I especially like what you are saying about loneliness, at least this kind of loneliness, being a result of moving away from our dependence upon others toward dependence upon God.
Your post made me think about a book Henri Nouwen wrote called Reaching Out. In that book he talks about the spirituality of moving from Loneliness to Solitude. The two are no different in place, only in how one how one responds to the place.
I am looking forward to more of your thoughts on leadership!
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Given the common negaitve perspective, I’ve often wrestled through lonliness with almost a sense of desperation, a calling out for some kind of change — I need
to get myself out there more, pursue old friendships, be more real with my significant other. In hindsight however, I’ve realized that it is that very loniless that has propelled me to God with such intensity. The times I felt closest to Him are the times I’ve felt most alone. The more and more I learn, the more I seem to realize that God’s concern isn’t my comfort, or even avoidance of pain. Sometimes He uses the strongest tools to bring
me to a place of reliance. I wouldn’t be the first to call myself a leader, but I understand where you are coming from. I think this kind of lonliness may be true for leader and follower alike.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
I especially like “Try not to make compulsive decisions about leadership” and “Let comprehension, knowledge, or perspective be the fruit of your time with him.” Also, you’re a good writer.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
…made me think of this cartoon:
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Aaron, so good to see you interact with my blog
Thanks for your input…I love that Nouwen book! He also has great thoughts about community in it. Hope to hear more from you.
Sarah, thanks for taking time to leave a comment. Hope all is well in Hawaii. Thanks also for your insightful comments. I appreciate your connection of our loneliness with God’s drawing of us towards himself. It interesting how something that feels somewhat negative is actually a blessing in disguise.
Josh, thanks for your kind words (as usual)! Love the cartoon.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
I read this, thinking it didn’t apply to me because I don’t consider myself to be in a leadership position. But, I immediately identified with the loneliness that comes from leading a unique life. You’ve reminded me to turn to God in my loneliness.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Thanks Lydia for the note! I’m glad to hear that the post encouraged you. Hope all is well with you…miss you guys
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Astute correlation, Lydia.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
I was asked today how I know I am a leader…I said because people follow! In my very being I try to be the most authentic person I can be. I was very pleased to read your blog and the posted comments. I am studying my MBA in Leadership right now and have been in leadership positions, paid and volunteer, and I too, experience lonliness. Sometimes it is as if I get so focused on the doing, and “being” as related to work…only. It is a lonely place. I am not a religious person but am finding that the notion of God may be comforting…but disconcerting, in that I don’t want to be only 1/2 in…and I fear the overall committment to an essence that may or may not be there and that has caused many a war in the name of a higher power. Anyway, I have started out light and gone quite deep in my posting. I am glad to hear that I am not alone in my lonliness in a leadership position. Thank you for posting your thoughts, all.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Thanks for your note Breanne! I’m so glad you found this blog post.
I’m glad to hear that some of the thoughts on this blog is resonating with your experience. In regards to your being 1/2 in or not as it relates to God…I personally think that much of our thoughts about God or potential relationship with him is a process. In other words, I’m not sure if waiting for certainty is necessarily the best method for engagement.
I appreciate your caution towards this topic. You are right in that many wars have been fought in the name of God. It is very unfortunate the countless number of people who have lost life as a result. I personally don’t think most of those wars were initiated by God. I think the problem is the human heart, not God. I hope the imperfection of those who claim to follow him doesn’t get in the way of your pursuit of this being (if he indeed does exists). Our actions, no matter how evil they may be at times, are irrelevant to whether or not God exists. I know that the actions of those who follow God is sometimes a hindrance to those who otherwise would like to pursue him. Nevertheless, may another human being never stop your discovery of God.
Thanks again for leaving a note here.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
This post brilliantly points out a “distasteful truth” of leadership. Thanks for sharing…
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Charles, I can’t thank you enough for sharing this. I so desperately needed to hear this.
About a year ago I started the Forsaken Generation Youth Homeless Project.
To say on most days I feel a complete and utter sense of loneliness would be a tremendous understatement.
God has put a burning passion in my heart to help these millions of kids who are homeless, along with the ones that as a result of homelessness become swept into child sex trafficking.
But my burning passion often leaves me feeling very alone. I find very few that share the passion I do. When I talk to others about it, they just don’t understand why I care so much. I get very little emotional support from those around me. Yet I stay focused on the task at hand.
I believe with all my heart, God has brought me to this point. It is his grace that has brought this as far as it’s come. Which is pretty far considering it’s just me doing this and it’s only been about 6 months. But the problem is a large one, millions and millions of children need help, and everytime I hear the story of another child whose life is turned upside down because of homelessness my heart breaks. It motivates me, I want to do more…to try harder. But it’s on these days that I often feel more alone than ever.
I find incredible comfort in the scriptures and focusing on God’s promises in his word, but ironically I find often at the times I try to draw close to God I often face an incredible amount of distractions. I sometimes feel as if my running to God is met with an insurmountable amount of resistance. So often times the loneliness feels like a never ending cycle…
But in a way I think I’ve resolved myself that I’ve committed my life to helping these kids, and if the loneliness is something that comes with the territory I’ll accept it.
I really appreciate you blogging about this. In a way it takes a bit of the loneliness away. To simply know that I’m not the only one. To be very honest with you talking about this is not something I’ve ever done. It felt good to be honest with myself and others about how this has made me feel.
Thank you again so much my friend. God bless!
Sean
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Thanks so much for your note Sean and your willingness to share your heart here.
First of all, thank you so much for what you do day in and day out. In approaching issues as large as slavery and homelessness, I know that it can become quite overwhelming. I’m glad that this was a source of encouragement to you. Always remember that your unique make-up was God-conceived and therefore, he is with you even when you sense that you’re alone.
Secondly, I pray that God will connect you with more people who can understand. May you find appropriate places of refuge for your soul…just know that no one will ever fully understand.
Grace to you friend.
Leadership Confession Blog Series: Part 1 – It's Lonely (in a Different Way)
Weed, coke, smokes, and steroids used to be my scene but certain unforeseeable events coupled with bad timing brought me into a dark place surrounded by even darker “friends”. I stopped taking the steroids because I stopped working out, lost a shitload of weight, lost my business, stopped caring about my hygiene etc etc que the violin.
I literally just lost it one night, and quit it all cold turkey. I willed myself off without rehab (or worse, a health scare), because the realization of truth was too strong to deny any longer…. When one reaps without sowing, especially with excessive compulsion (addiction), physical/mental/spiritual complications begin to arise, and YOU KNOW deep inside what you’re doing is wrong.
As a Buddhist working hard to best lead others around me I find comfort in the Bodhisattva ideal, sacrificing friendships and bearing more weight for the good of all sentient beings here on Earth. Going with the flow is much less about being some laid back monk sweeping bugs and such from under your feet as you walk, and more about living in the moment taking care not to plan too far ahead or look too far back, and ride out each metaphorical wave to it’s fullest.
Take Jesus for example. Dude could walk on water right?? That’s a direct representation of Jesus maintaining constant stability, focus, and moral ideal no matter how unstable the times (think water is ALWAYS changing, never concrete, unpredictable.)
Simply felt the need to comment after reading your article as I believe 99% of us need to answer our higher callings to get us through the tough and lonely times. As for me, I got my business back up and started 2 more. I walk the middle path now destined to help others where I have failed, and I even enjoy the occasional spliff during the holidayyyze